


Better To Have Loved And Lost

by EternallyEC



Category: Victorious (TV)
Genre: Angst and Feels, F/F, Heavy Angst, I Made Myself Cry, Mentions of Cancer, One Shot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-20
Updated: 2020-04-20
Packaged: 2021-03-01 17:14:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,549
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23750647
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EternallyEC/pseuds/EternallyEC
Summary: After receiving devastating news, there's only one person Jade West wants to see.
Relationships: Tori Vega/Jade West
Comments: 6
Kudos: 86





	Better To Have Loved And Lost

**Author's Note:**

  * For [WasabiDuckies](https://archiveofourown.org/users/WasabiDuckies/gifts).



> So, wow. I wanted to write a bit of angst and as soon as I saw this prompt, I started writing and kept going even through my own tears. Yes, I legitimately made myself cry with this one. 
> 
> Although this is a prompt from the Jori discord (found at the end), I decided to put it on its' own since it's long enough and I felt satisfied enough to let it stand on its' own. This is dedicated to WasabiDuckies for posting so many prompts and for doing a fantastic job keeping the server going.
> 
> Please let me know what you think!

Jade stared at the door in front of her as she tried to figure out how she’d gotten here. With the news she’d just been given, she should want to be with Beck, her boyfriend. She should be wanting to tell him what she’d learned and let him hold her while she fell apart. 

She  _ should  _ want to let him comfort her; somehow, he always seemed to know just what to do and say to calm her down and offer her some sort of peace she’d never found with anyone else. She  _ should  _ want to cry herself to sleep in his arms and let him offer false promises of better tomorrows that would never come. 

But she didn’t want any of the things that she should want, instead gravitating towards the last person on earth she  _ should  _ be wanting to see. 

“Fuck,” she groaned, seriously considering just going back to her car and driving home, forgetting this moment of insanity altogether. That’s what she should do, anyway. But again, this wasn’t a night for those kinds of decisions and she found herself knocking on the door before she could stop herself. 

She swallowed nervously as soon as she realized what she’d done, debating making a break for it. But just as she had decided to do just that, she heard the sound of footsteps approaching and she knew she’d never make it. Steeling herself, she prepared to put on the best damn act of her life. 

But as soon as the door opened and she saw Tori standing there, hair pulled back into a messy bun and her glasses sitting too down her nose, dressed in an oversized t-shirt and sweats, all of her resolve broke. Much to her horror and relief, she felt her face crumple as she faced the other girl. 

“Jade?” Tori asked, confusion mixed with concern lacing her tone as she stepped back. 

Jade quickly moved into the living room, spinning around and watching Tori slowly close the door. She regarded Jade warily, taking slow steps towards her as though she were approaching a wounded predator. “Jade,” she repeated softly, gently touching her arm. 

At her touch, the last remaining bits of her walls collapsed, sending her denial with them. With a strangled sob, she launched herself at the other girl, wrapping her arms around her and shuddering when Tori returned the embrace without hesitation. 

It was nothing like the last time that Jade had come here for her help, and from the tension she felt in Vega’s body, she knew that she knew it too. Everything had been easier then, more well-defined. She’d broken up with Beck in a moment of jealous rage and immediately regretted it, showing up at Vega’s door with a broken kite and desperate pleas for help. 

Now, the thought of being rejected by Beck felt like child’s play. Her world, once so wide and full of possibilities waiting for her to take, had shrunk down to this one moment where Jade West was breaking down in Tori Vega’s arms. 

After a moment, Jade managed to get herself under control and extricated herself from the embrace, though she kept her hands on Tori’s waist. She needed the physical anchor to remind her that she was still here, still breathing, and that she had someone with her. 

“Jade, what’s wrong?” Tori breathed, still rubbing slow circles on her back, concern etched into her brown eyes as they stared into her own. 

“I’m dying.” 

The words ripped from her throat before she could stop them and god, Jade wished she could take them back the moment she saw them register. Tori paled, her eyes widening and expressing the hurt she felt and it was all too much for Jade. 

“I’m dying,” she repeated slowly, numbly. “It’s funny how the doctors never tell you that, you know. They throw around words like ‘cancer’ and ‘terminal’ and ‘metastatic ’, but they never come out and say you’re dying. ”

“Jade…”

“I can’t fucking believe this,” she cut her off, shaking her head wildly. “I’m eighteen years old, Tori. How the fuck can this be happening to me?” she begged; for what, she didn’t know, but she desperately wanted Tori to give it to her. 

And Tori did, pulling her in for another tight hug and crying with her as they sank to the floor. Somehow, it made everything hurt a little less when she felt her own shirt get soaked from Tori’s tears and to feel her cling just as tightly to Jade as she was clinging to her. 

To know that someone besides Beck gave a single fuck about her without her having to scare them into it. 

“How long have you known?” Tori questioned after an unknown amount of time, her voice muffled by Jade’s neck as she rested her head on her shoulder. 

Jade swallowed, shifting slightly and tightening her grip on Tori when she made as though to get up. “We found out today,” she replied, her voice small and afraid. “I… I found a lump a couple of weeks ago and had to get a biopsy.” She shuddered, taking a deep breath as Tori started to rub her back again. 

“It’s so fucked up. I was always so proud of them, and now they’re going to kill me,” she growled, meeting Tori’s questioning glance with a gesture towards her boobs. “They said there’s a very slight chance I could survive, but the side effects would be horrible. I’d probably lose my hair,” she frowned, nervously running a hand over it. “And a lot fucking worse. They said they wouldn’t recommend it at this stage, just to try to enjoy the time I have left. As if I could with this hanging over my head,” she scoffed. 

“Jade…” 

“I don’t even know why I’m here, Tori,” she said, feeling the other girl stiffen. “Fuck, I’m sorry, that’s not what I meant,” she groaned, tugging her up so that she could face her. The hurt in Tori’s eyes was undeniable and she reached down to take her hand, interlacing their fingers and giving it a gentle squeeze. 

Rewarded by a sad smile and an encouraging nod, Jade sighed. “I should be with Beck. But as soon as they told me… as soon as I left the doctor’s office… all I could think about was coming to see you. How fucked up is that?”

Tori’s voice was small, her eyes pleading for forgiveness as she questioned, “Jade… Out of all the people you could have come to, why me?”

Jade gently touched her cheek, silently pleading with her to understand that she had nothing to be forgiven for. The question was far from baseless; with their history, she’d have asked the same thing if she’d been in Vega’s position. Well, it probably would have been more of a threat, but whatever.

“Because despite everything, you’re the only person I know I can trust with this.” Her voice was soft but steady, filled with conviction as she admitted that she trusted Tori Vega. “I don’t know when I started trusting you, but it scared the shit out of me. It still does, only now I don’t have the luxury of time to figure it out,” she told her. “I was a total gank to you because it scared me. I kept pushing you away because I wanted to see if you’d go, but you never did. Why didn’t you go, Tori?” she whispered, allowing herself to be vulnerable as she stared into her eyes.

“Jade…” Tori sighed, squeezing her hand. “I’ve always wanted to be your friend,” she told her, her voice quiet but confident. “No matter how much we fought, I always knew that there was someone worth knowing underneath your ganky exterior,” she tried to tease, giving her a weak smile and earning a chuckle in response. 

“You’re incredibly talented, brave, beautiful… And no matter how hard you try to hide it, I know you have a good heart in there. I saw it when you were trying to get Beck back and I’ve never forgotten that it’s in there.” She put a hand on Jade’s chest, sliding her shirt down just enough so that she could rest the palm of her hand over her heart. 

“All that I’ve ever wanted is to be in there somewhere,” Tori told her, her voice shaking slightly. “And I wasn’t going to let you push me away when I knew that you needed someone.” 

“God, Tori,” Jade whispered, squeezing her eyes shut against the tears that were threatening again. “I’m such an idiot.” 

“Jade,” Tori whispered, and then there was a feather-light kiss being brushed against her lips. 

And god, Jade knew it was fucked up. She was dying, she had a boyfriend, and this was Tori fucking Vega. She knew that she should get up and leave right now, spare Tori the pain that was sure to come if she did anything else. 

But Jade West had never been anything but selfish, and as her eyes opened to meet Tori’s hesitant gaze, she tugged her forward and kissed her again. 

After a moment, she pulled back, cupping Tori’s face in her palms. “Tori… You’re only going to get hurt if we do this,” she whispered, guilt creeping into her voice. “Maybe we shouldn’t.” 

“Jade, listen to me,” Tori said, turning to press a kiss into her left palm before following suit with her right. “I don’t care. I’ve wanted this for too long and wasted too much time already. I know that there’s no happy ending for us,” and her voice cracked, making Jade’s heart ache, “But I’d rather be with you for as long as possible than live the rest of my life knowing I was too much of a coward and wondering what it could have been like.” 

Jade searched her eyes carefully, finding nothing but conviction there. “You’ve already been in my heart for a long time, Tori Vega,” she murmured, thumb gently stroking her cheek. “I know it’s selfish, but I want that too,” she breathed, letting Tori lean in and kiss her again. 

~ ~ ~

_ “‘Tis better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all.” _

The quote had never made much sense to Tori, though she’d understood what it was supposed to mean, more or less. 

But here, sitting in Jade’s bedroom that had been gutted and renovated into a makeshift hospital room, watching the woman she loved slip closer and closer to death, she thought she was closer to getting it. 

It had been six months since Jade had shown up at her door, confessing that she had cancer and that she wasn’t going to get better. Six months since Tori had finally silenced the warring voices in her head and kissed her. 

It had been six months since Jade had broken up with Beck for her and, try as she might, she still felt a little guilty about that. He’d gone back to Canada shortly afterward, claiming it was for personal reasons, but Tori knew the truth. 

He didn’t want to watch Jade die any more than she did. 

She couldn’t blame him for it; the last time she’d seen him, there had been relief in his eyes. Tori didn’t even think he minded Jade breaking up with him for her since it gave him a way out. And both of them understood, even if Jade had been cut deeply by it. 

But as much as she didn’t want to watch Jade die, she wanted her to die alone even less. So when she had slipped into the last stages and been put on hospice, Tori had taken a leave from school. Lane was understanding and had worked with her so that she could resume classes when she was ready, not that Tori was sure she’d ever be ready to walk the halls of Hollywood Arts without Jade again. 

She’d more or less moved in with Jade, sleeping on a twin bed that Jade’s parents had moved into the room for her. Being eighteen, her parents’ disapproval didn’t matter much, although it had obviously stung. But the smile she’d seen on Jade’s face when she saw her unpacking had been enough to overpower it. 

_ “Moving in already, huh?” she’d teased weakly. “You really are a lesbian.”  _

_ “I’d only U-Haul for you, babe,” she’d smirked, earning a surprised laugh from her girlfriend.  _

_ “It’s been five months and you still surprise me, Vega. Pretty strong stuff coming from you.”  _

_ “What can I say?” she’d grinned, pressing a kiss to her forehead. “You bring out the worst in me.”  _

_ “Aww, what a compliment.”  _

Tori didn’t even know she was crying until she felt Jade’s hand weakly wiping her tears away. 

“Hey,” Tori whispered, blinking furiously as she smiled at the love of her life. 

“Hey,” Jade whispered back, managing a tiny smile in return. “I’m sorry, Tori.” 

“Jade, we’ve been over this,” Tori sighed, catching her hand and pressing a kiss to the back of it. “You don’t have anything to be sorry about.” 

“I’m sorry that I’m leaving you like this,” she whispered. “I’m sorry that I wasted so much time that we could have been together.” 

“Shh, don’t think about that,” Tori swallowed, shaking her head. “We both wasted time, remember? Shared responsibility,” she winked, though it did little to ease the tension. “I just wish we had more time, but we’re lucky, you know?” She managed a smile through her tears. “Some people never get to spend any time with the love of their life. We’ve had the best six months, haven’t we?” 

“We sure did, Vega,” Jade smiled weakly, closing her eyes when Tori kissed her. It was soft, tender in a way that made both of their hearts ache. 

It was pure Tori. 

“Will you sing to me?” Jade mumbled, yawning as she grew tired again. She’d been spending more and more time unconscious lately, just as the doctor had warned. 

Tori nodded, but Jade’s hand clamping down on her wrist stopped her short. Her eyes traced the star tattoo, now seeming impossibly bright against Jade’s paler than ever skin. 

“I want you to know,” Jade whispered, clearly fighting sleep to speak. “I gave you my heart the day I brought that stupid kite over. I wanted you to fix me,” she chuckled weakly. “And you did. God, Tori, you did.” 

“I love you,” Tori whispered, pressing a kiss to the tattoo on her arm. 

“I love you too, babe,” she whispered. “I always have, always will.” 

Tori began to hum and then sing, an old lullaby that her grandmother had sung to her and Trina as children that Jade had always enjoyed. Holding tightly onto Jade’s hand, she closed her eyes as she sang, ignoring the wailing of the monitors as she flat-lined. 

Opening her eyes as she neared the end, she watched Jade’s lips curve up into a smile just before she exhaled one last time. 

And even when she was rushed out of the room, Tori couldn’t stop the smile that shone even through her tears. 

For the rest of her life, the pain of missing Jade West would stay with her, but she’d never regret a single moment of it. 

**Author's Note:**

> Prompt: Person A: “Out of all the people you could have come to, why me?”  
> Person B: “Because despite everything, you’re the only person I know I can trust with this.”


End file.
